i wanna speak out but how do you speak out when you struggle to find the right words? pretty tricky ne but i guess thats "life" HAHAHA CLICHE MUCH?

been listening to some songs from the disney movie 'camp rock' some of their material is pretty damn good. like i wouldn't pick it out to be disney. i love songs that come close to the heart. sometimes you'll cry, sometimes you'll just smile with a tad of regret or hope lingering around your lips. but that just only shows you're human. over these couple of weeks, i've cried, i've been frustrated, i've been hopeful, i've been confused and the list goes on. i can't always be the bubbly C. everyone knows only too well, otherwise i just wouldn't be real. i wouldn't exist. there is no such thing as a person who can live on life without wanting to change something, without feeling regret or some false hope, without making mistakes etc.

you can choose to speak out to people you love and are close to.
you can choose to speak out to your diary.
you can choose to speak out to a sea of strangers.
i choose to speak out through my actions.
because then i know, it will be recognised as doing something useful,
rather than doing something completely useless.

i find it interesting when people contradict themselves. hell i do it all the time. but what really slaps me in the face isn't when someone points it out; its when i'm thinking different things & i contradict myself in my thoughts. so if you see a rather dejected facial expression on my face; i've probably done just that.

i want him back; i don't think we'll get back together
i want to stay single for a while; hell i need a guy
oh wow that guy is hot; on second thoughts i like 'him' better
i want to go shopping; fk i don't have the money right now
i think i like him; i don't like him
i want to study; i want to travel etc.

it just keeps going on & on. very annoying i must say. but then again i guess that's what makes us human. it also makes us different to one another. whatever you choose no matter the outcome determines what kind of person you are. you could be hopeful or the type to give up the moment things get hard. you could be a cold-hearted person at first but later warm up, or you could be a warm person to start off with but then turn rather cold-hearted later. its all in our make-up. not physically but mentally and emotionally. it took me 15minutes to think this through. but its going to take me a hell of a long time to make decisions because to me, these decisions will not only determine what kind of person i am when in such a situation. but it will also determine a lot of other things too.

god i miss you. and there is no contradiction to this.

I hear the sounds but they pass me by.
My hazard lights are flashing, somebody, anyone -

its enough already they say. enough is enough. with tears running down my cheeks i looked to my white board wanting something to distract me from that one word; enough. yet my white board was as blank as my mind - sticky notes here and there, reminders to for work, dates to remember, everything that symbolised my life; my main existance.

in all truth, i had had enough but i wasn't willing to put my patience to the test any longer. i felt like i had died, gone to heaven's gates only to be rejected by st. michael to go down again to finish what i was in the middle of. god damn i hated it when it happened. its bad enough i get pains but to become one is another story. damn it. refreshment is never around the fucking corner, its always on the otherside of town.

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my thoughts in creative pieces are way better than myself ranting. made me realise how much i miss writing. i should get back into it again. but i guess i'm one of those people who need to be motivated, to be inspired to do well in something they miss and love dearly. ha... thats funny, i should do the same thing for another thing thats important in my life....